That dreaded purple marker that my breast surgeon uses to mark the shape of things to come. It is messy and difficult to remove. She likes to generously mark where cut lines will be and what to expect. The purple line is evidence of change, but what can prepare a person for that sort of life changing step?

I currently attempting to make preparations for surgery which will be in a few days. Blood is drawn and the marker is scoured away. Now I just tie up loose ends like end of month bills, and wait for surgery and subsequent results. But, what should I do while in this transitional stage?

At this moment, I still have my breasts which I have kind of gotten attached to. In the early years they signaled change and the mystery of growing up. In my young adult years they symbolized coming to terms with my grown up body, and autonomy. As a young mom, I am grateful they were givers of life and sustenance for my baby. It's so odd to think they are growing cancer cells and my body is feeding that growth as if its life depends on it, when the opposite is actually happening.

I am trying to stay in the moment; this moment that God has blessed me with. It is truly paralyzing to think of what may come (for those are the thoughts that race through my mind as I try to fall asleep, or are the first thoughts upon waking). I can't let myself get caught up in the 'why' and 'what could I have done differently to prevent it'. And I can't let myself get caught up in 'what is going to happen to my son, and husband, and family, without me'. Those kinds of thoughts cease me up and bring me to tears. So instead, I breathe and take this moment of peace and gratitude and love the people around me, and do what I have to do.

So, thank you breasts for serving me well. I will move on from here doing whatever I can for health and preservation. Thank you to my friends and family, who have crossed my path for a while, or have walked this life together. I'll try to stay grateful and remain p r e s e n t because there is peace in that.

I am working on it.

You have breasts, I have breasts, the people you love have breasts. They are miraculous parts of the body that deserve respect and discussion. I had hoped I would never have to see the changing colors of breast cancer. But yesterday, with the diagnosis, I am plunged into the world of cancer. It's a lot. It's more than I've ever wanted to know, consider, or make decisions about.

How things came about was that there were some concerning tiny areas on mammogram and ultrasound that needed biopsies. Biopsy results indicated it wasn't cancer but ADH (Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia and papilloma). My PCP and surgeon both advised to get those areas out. I would have opted to wait it out and see, but took their advice and had two lumpectomies last week. I feel great. It went really well. No pain but LOTS OF COLORS of bruising. You know I love to sketch, so I just had to record the colors, and sutures in my sketchbook. I had no concerns and never worried until I opened the pathology report and it said DUCTAL CARCINOMA IN SITU in both breasts. Well that lead me to internet searches and a meeting with my surgeon. And more to consider and talk about.

Today is a new day, and I'll take each new day as a blessing. I'll do what I have to do to take care of body so I can continue to live, serve, and love the people I love. I'm honored to have siblings, parents, family and friends who are keeping me in their prayers.

It's weird. I don't think of this diagnosis as doom, or grief, or even sadness. Maybe I'm numb emotionally. It's probably part of the grief process. I am probably in denial. But I feel fired up. I feel energized. I feel...I feel...a challenge coming on. I take this as a personal challenge.

I'm working on it.

It feels so good to get back to working in a sketchbook. I am challenging myself to draw everyday, and it is helpful to have a focus. It certainly helped me to join a new local chapter of Urban Sketchers. We gather together or sketch individually, but post our work collectively as Urban Sketchers West Michigan.

I used to use a sketchbook to record ideas, to practice, and work through projects, but didn't use the sketchbook as an end result. I might have a sketch of here or there, but nothing consistently. Since meeting up with others and sketching our corner of the world, it has encouraged me to draw daily and record what I see around me. What I love about sketching is that it takes the pressure off of needing to have a 'finished' work of art. It allows me to sketch quick, and loose, and to play with the process without worrying about the end result as I would with a final piece.

What I also love about having a sketchbook is that it is a recording of a personal memory. Taking the time to sketch allows me to interact with my environment. I get to really look at what is in front of me and focus on the bits that are of interest. Then, I have that moment recorded like a scrapbook to look back on. Each and every time I sketch, regardless of the medium, I learn something new. I learn to mix colors, or how they interact with that particular paper, or I figure out a new technique or discover a way I like to work.

I had always asked other artists and professionals how to develop a style, and the answer would always be the same...just draw! It isn't until I actually draw daily and accumulate a large quantity of sketches that I am beginning to feel comfortable with the process. Where it goes from here will be fun to see.

I encourage you to pick up a pencil or pen and draw what you see. It doesn't matter the level of your ability, or if you've had formal training. And you never have to share your sketch with anyone else if you don't want. Do it for you. You may find it relaxing to explore the world with line and color. Get back to the happiness you found in coloring, as a child. It may awaken the want to 'play' with art materials. Anyone can do it.

Feel free to follow us on Facebook or join our Urban Sketchers West Michigan group. There is no cost and all levels are welcome! Upcoming meet-up events are posted. Urban sketching isn't just for outside drawing either. It is inside or out, interiors, exteriors, landscapes, people or pets in an environment. I even take those bits of urban sketching in my sketchbooks, and rework them back at home at my drawing table. Sketching leads to inspiration!

I encourage you to try to sketch. Practice. Have fun. Reach out to me if you need help or want company.

I'm working on it! How about you?

Let me tell you about our little dog, Windry. She is something else!

From the moment we got her, she challenged and delighted us. She is a beauty from all angles. I wanted to capture her bold personality and stunning looks in a book for my son, but just knew I had to share her with the rest of the world.

The idea for a book about her started simmering in my mind when Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, was popular. I have his books and followed his teaching, but I did everything wrong. She, or I, was the poster child for what Cesar says shouldn't happen. She liked to challenge everything we said (a trait Shiba Inu's are known for). The more calm and assertive I tried to be, the more she did the opposite. She definitely had her own ideas for who is the boss and how things should be, and she made that known. I liked to imagine what SHE was thinking in those instances and that is how the idea of this book came to be.

Personally, she was a learning experience for me to draw and paint. From a drawing perspective, she was difficult because where the shadows fell on her, and should be darker, she was lighter in color, and where the color wraps the form and usually is grayer, then she was warmer and oranger in color. It took me awhile to figure her out a formula for her. I love this brown sketch paper and thought it was perfect to enhance her coloring, and have her emerge from the paper.

I love this little girl so much and am so grateful for her company. She is currently fifteen years old and nearing the end, so I wanted to make sure to capture her spirit on paper. I have other books planned in this series, and hopefully she can continue to entertain us all, long after she has left this Earth.

What if the world isn’t falling apart...but falling into place? I might have read that someplace. But still feel it is true. What if this current heated chaos is just a way of airing out the debris to make way for a better way of living for all? 

This urgent unrest reminds me of a ‘healing crisis’. If you are familiar with natural healing or the administering of Homeopathy, it isn’t uncommon after choosing the perfect remedy, to sometimes get a reaction of a healing crisis. It’s sort of like the body is prompted to heal so it does it all at once and has all its responses activated that it feels like messy undesired effects or something that is wrong. When actually it is something very right, just a bit sudden. It is when the body is doing what it needs to do only at more of an accelerated pace. 

The results of a healing crisis can sometimes look messy when actually the debris is being dealt with and cleared away. It’s a lot like cleaning out a closet. During the process it looks twice as messy and disorganized. The crap you haven’t used or seen in years gets pulled out and is strewn all over the floor only to have to face the reason why you have it and decide what to do with it. Often there is guilt and emotion gripping you in the process. It is all painful and uncomfortable until you clear out what no longer serves you and you can reorganize, and put back only the things that are necessary to function in your life. 

Maybe this time and messiness of 2020 is a healing crisis while cleaning out our collective closet. It is exactly what we need to face and work through, just at an uncomfortable, accelerated pace. We know that growth can be painful. Think of growing pains or the pain of labor in birth. But healing itself is a natural process. We don’t have to tell a wound how to scab over. Or we don’t have to tell our bodies how to heal a bruise. Our life force knows what to do, we just need to not hinder it or stop the process. 

To use those metaphors, we are in the middle of a healing crisis. It is scary and causes doubt and uncertainty. We are also in the middle of cleaning out our collective closet. If we interrupt that process and leave it; we are in a bigger mess. Our best course is to trust we are finding a new way through this mess and will be better once we work through it. It is hard, emotional work, but if we stay with it, we’ll be better for the process. 

I’m working on it.

Completed! Finished! Peel off the tape! Cross it off the list!

Isn’t it just the best feeling to complete something and cross it off your list? It gives such a sense of accomplishment. It’s not just the big tasks, but the small ones as well. I need that validation that I am making progress in all the things I am working on each day. 

I don’t know about you, but I am a list maker. I need to organize my thoughts and get them down on a visual list either on paper or on my phone. I make lists of what I need to buy. I make lists of what projects or goals I need to work toward. My most important list is my daily tasks list. That is a list of the things I need to do or errands I need to run in a day. 

Crossing something off my list gives me my own personal applause. It is like getting a gold star on a chart or a standing ovation. It is my own little boost of ‘well done’ and that brings me joy. 

Sometimes when life is stressful or I feel like I am just treading water, I add things to my list that I would normally do anyways, just to give myself a boost. I know that is silly. ‘Exercise and stretching’ I’ll add it to my list. ‘Take a shower’ I add that to the list. ‘Put away dishes’ I add that to my list. And before I know it, when I leave the house in the morning, I’ve already crossed off four or five things from my list. It helps me to feel successful.

Recently, I completed a large personal project I’ve been planning in my mind for about for the last ten years. Until this last month I never actually started the illustrations for the project. But with this extra time off and mental clearing, I methodically worked through all 27 illustrations. The relief came when after each drawing I could peel off the tape and cross it off my list. It was a beautiful exhale. It felt great. Now onto making the list of pre-press tasks and tackling that next stage. 

I’m working on it.

The morning is my favorite time of the day. If it is a sunny morning, then that is an extra blessing.

Today, it felt like I had a dozen tasks I needed to do but what I chose to do first, was to paint my toenails on the back steps, and do a sketch of our growing garden. I was moved by the sun shining through the leaves and making shadows on the other parts of the plant. I wanted to try and capture the light and shadows.

It felt good to listen to the noises of the neighborhood. There was an energy, yet a calm all at the same time. I love those mornings when the temperature is just right to sit outside in my jammies and soak in the freshness of a new day.

Morning has broken...

I want to try and capture that magic.

I'm working on it.

​

So the annual Grand Rapids Festival of the Arts has come and gone and I am still trying to interpret how I feel about it this year.

The Festival celebrated its 50th year, this year, but somehow didn’t feel as momentous as it should. 50 years is a big deal! And truthfully it feels a little anticlimactic. Maybe it is just me, but it feels like there has been a change in the way the community participates in Festival. Attendance feels down, the number of food booths has practically been halved compared to previous decades, and most of all I don’t sense any buzz or chatter about attending.

I love going to Festival and still look forward to it every year. I enjoy the crowds, and running into familiar faces. I bask in the energy and celebration of the different art forms, and being surrounded by the grilling food and music from the many stages. It all is invigorating to me. But it feels like there has been a collective shift. I sense that the people who attend are mostly families and friends of participants instead of crowds looking for something to do, or the curious observers of art or those who want to be exposed to new art and art forms. When I ask friends and co-workers if they are going, many decline or share that they aren’t interested. I grew up anticipating this once-a-year celebration and am baffled by people who don't feel the same way.

It used to be that THAT was the place to be, or at least it felt that way to me. The colors, sights, sounds, art, music AND PEOPLE!  The most people I saw in one place might be at church or a football game, but THIS was a gathering of people on the move. People laughing, and singing, and walking, and dancing. You could sit and people watch, or travel from booth to booth nibbling and sharing. It felt like the best things in life. If that all still exists, why aren't the masses drawn to the Festival?

There are always the people who 'don't like crowds' or those intimidated by parking downtown. But if the population of Grand Rapids is still growing, why aren't the festival crowds growing? If I try and analyze it, I suspect that there are other, more regular opportunities that is taking some of the 'specialness' out of this one-time-a-year event. (Like how the Wizard of Oz used to be special because it was once a year, and now you can stream it anytime or buy the DVD and it isn't so special anymore.)  Artprize now draws large crowds to downtown for free and that has the atmosphere of carnival that Festival used to have. And we now have weekly free concerts in spots around town on different days of the week for music lovers to gather. Is it marketing that isn't getting through? Is it just the fact that another generation has grown up and it doesn't hold the same appeal?

All I know is that the things that make Festival great, are the things that make LIFE itself great: art, music, family, fun, and food! We can all search out ways to get our regular dose of art to enhance our lives. If you haven't attended Festival in a while, make it a point to visit next year. It is always the first full weekend in June. Mark it on your calendar! I'll be there!

As for the future of Festival, I have a couple of suggestions.

1.  Since eating whole-food, plant based, (a vegan diet) there aren't choices for me to eat down there. I used to be able to buy a walking salad, or veggie noodles, but those booths aren't participating anymore. I'd like to see more healthy choices available that aren't dripping in butter or oil (most cultures have vegan dishes, I'd like to see them participating).

2.  I'd also like to go back to a ban on bringing pets to the Festival. I may be a party pooper, but I was disheartened to see all the animals (even though on leashes) with owners not being responsible. All the noises and crowds really freaked out a lot of pets. I saw terror in their faces, and owners handling them roughly when they were having normal reactions to people and noises. I saw innocent pedestrians being tripped by leashes of distracted owners. I witnessed owners not paying attention as their dogs ran right up to the faces of babies of people they don't know, and the dogs licked the babies, since they were at the same level, and the owners laughed it off. I'd be infuriated, in fact I was and it wasn't even my child. Some people aren't responsible and endanger others, so we should have rules to protect others. No pets at the Festival, please. 

If you go, what draws you in? If not, why do you think people refrain from visiting the Festival?

I look forward to going. Maybe one of these years, my art will be accepted into the Festival Competition. That'd be a dream come true.

I'm working on it.

This is a chalk pastel drawing of the Calder Plaza at the Festival. I tried to loosely capture the COLOR of the moment.





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To some, Memorial Day is a day off from work to enjoy the everyday things we enjoy such as family, food, and fun. For others, Memorial Day is a day to visit the cemetery and remember parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, and those we love who have passed on. It is important to take time to keep in mind those that can no longer enjoy the pleasures of life on this earth. Keeping each of them in mind is like keeping a part of them alive.

But on Memorial Day, we can take that one step further, and remember why this holiday was designated: to honor the men and women who died serving in the U.S. Military. Each individual left his or her family to fight to preserve our rights and freedoms.

We celebrate those who made that sacrifice, and whose lives were changed by serving in the military. I'd like to thank those close to me who are still serving; a shout out to nephews Elton and Hunter, and to other family members who are proud veterans: Father-in-law Bill, Brother-in-law Jim H, sister Mary Therese,  nephew Bob B and cousin Tom W.  Remembrances for veteran uncles Bob and Milo whose lives were changed because of the war and who have passed away.

Thank you for your service! I'll continue to keep you in mind and in my prayers of thanksgiving.

​I'm working on it.

If you're from West Michigan, your childhood probably included a visit to John Ball Park Zoo, on the northwest side of Grand Rapids. And no visit would be complete without a climb on the John Ball statue. This past Saturday, I visited the Zoo with my husband and son (who is now all grown up).

I felt nostalgic as the fond memories of climbing the statue came flooding back to me. I remembered feeling the fear of falling off and yet how pleasing it was to rub my hands over the well worn, shiny areas that had years of polishing. I couldn't forget the slight pain of touching the hot metal that was heated by the sun.

It is comforting to see the statue still sitting in the same spot, and to know that as life moves on, that somethings still remain. It is kind of like a testament that 'I was here, and this meant something to me'.



This is a watercolor pencil drawing over pen and ink from my sketchbook, and for comparison, a photo I took for reference. For this sketch, I wasn't trying for realism, I was just playing with color and trying to work with the watercolor pencils. I wanted to experiment to see if I could leave the line, or if the water would smooth it all out. My dissatisfaction was that I hadn't left enough white in the highlighted areas of the statue. I tried to go over it with chalk pastel, and when that didn't work, I tried white out pen. But neither would bring back the white. 

Today is Mother's Day. And if that isn't special enough, on my way into work, I had a close encounter with a scared, struggling creature, that ended well. It was a magical moment for me.

As I was walking down the stairs in the parking ramp, I heard the frantic sound of a bird flinging itself at a huge window. Most of the parking ramp is open and birds regularly fly in and out of the structure, but one corner is enclosed in glass. That little bird was confused and trapped in the corner area. 

Instantly, my heart started pounding at seeing its panicked state. I tried to shoo it away but it flew into the other corner. At that time a coworker (shout out to Rose), with a gentle heart, saw the struggle too. Neither of us could bear to leave it there. Together we tried to guide it out, but to no avail. I tried to cover it with my scarf, but it flew to the lower levels and flung itself at the glass down there.

So I took a breath, and settled my panic and willed it to know that we were here to help it and tried again. I put my scarf over it and was able to carefully close my hands around it. It was so sweet. Its beautiful, brilliantly colored head was peeking out of my scarf. I wished I could have held it longer or snapped a photo, or something. Rose opened the door, I carried it outside, and let it go. It flew away seemly unharmed. 

That little creature was so amazing and beautiful, it was a wonderful gift to see it up close. It was a Common Grackle, and rescuing it and feeling it in my hands filled me with joy. It didn't seem so common; it seemed extraordinary. The iridescent blue head and purplish black body against the teal scarf were breathtaking. I felt honored by being able to help it out of tight spot, and who doesn't love a happy ending?! 

Being in the right place and the right time feels right.  

I'm working at it.


​
This little drawing was done with the tools I had with me: my sketchbook, black pen, and colored markers.

'Well I finally joined Urban Sketchers.

That was a goal of mine for a very long time. It was not a difficult task, but just needed the form to get filled out and links made to connect my blog to their site. It is absolutely free, and anyone can join. You should take a look! There are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G sketches from sketchers around the world. Sketchers can link their Facebook or other social media pages so you can view endless pages of sketchbooks.

Who doesn't love browsing through someone's sketchbook? Taking a peak at someone else's sketchbook can be as revealing as a diary or as telling about one's likes as looking in someone's refrigerator or medicine cabinet. I love it! Sometimes I feel a bit intimidated by how good the artists can be. I admire their work and think "Geez, I wish I could be that good." But whether done by a professional or amateur, ALL the sketches convey someone else's point of view and that is what invigorates me, and inspires me to pick up a pen and grab my sketchbook to literally AND figuratively 'go to town'.

So check it out the site:  www.urbansketchers.org

The sketching that is done can be of city or countryside, people or buildings, flora or fauna, interior or exterior, and by professional or amateur artists. The whole point is to be out and about sketching as opposed to back in your studio. There are guidelines posted on the site if you want more information or want to join, yourself.

So check back here, occasionally, and hopefully you'll see some new urban sketches from me! My next goal is to create or join a Grand Rapids Urban Sketchers Chapter. In the meantime, why don't you grab the nearest pen, pencil or maker, and draw what you see around you? Be open to freeing the artist that is in you!

​I'm working on it myself.

I just got the news that a dear, dear friend passed away today.  I feel like I am missing my guardian angel.

Beverly M. is a very kind soul, with a quick wit and bubbly sense of humor. She enjoyed reading and loved her family most of all.  She is one of those people where it feels like I've known her my whole life, but in reality, I've only known her for 6 years.

I am going to miss her willingness to listen, her kindness, her giggle, but most of all her knowledge. She was my mentor of sorts. She helped me start in the part-time job I am currently working. She helped me navigate the bookkeeping system, and office workflow. She had collected a lifetime of bookkeeping knowledge and practical life experience and shared that with me as needed. In the beginning, she sat next to me, to figuratively hold my hand through the learning process, and stayed with me as my 'phone-a-friend' up until the end.

I already miss her for being 'her', but I will also miss her because I feel like I am alone without a safety net. She will no longer be there to answer my questions, or give me moral support to help me through the next quandary. I feel a bit of panic inside because I don't have her to fall back on when the next question arises. I feel like I am approaching my work, very much alone. Like I am in a free-fall.

This scary, sickening feeling is one I've had before. That lost feeling occurred a few years back when another friend and mentor had suddenly passed away. Juliet was so kind, and sweet, and caring. It still feels a bit like a stab in the heart to think she was taken so swiftly. I didn't know she was critical, nor did I get to say good-bye. Juliet was like a life-buoy for me, and to others in the Grand Rapids area. She led a Homeopathic Study Group and was a figurative giant in the La Leche League community. She was the one I would call when, as a new mother, my son would spike a fever late at night I didn't know what to do. She had such a soothing voice and demeanor, and always guided me to the right course of action. I still feel that slight panic when I am facing an emergency. I feel gripped inside with the realization that I can't reach out to her for advice or help. And she isn't in some state of waiting to spring into action when I call.

When I analyze our friendships, beyond who they were personally, I'd say both of those women held iconic roles for me or were archetypes. They were caring, nurturing, informative, and guiding. They were both 'mother' figures in a sense.  "The archetypal mother figure is loving and supporting. They are the rock the Hero can fall back on when needed."

I guess I need to work through those losses and come to the realization that I have the power and the ability to hear the inner voice, and ask the right questions, to find out the information for myself. I am the 'hero' of my own story, and I need to deal with how to handle the questions that arise without their direction. I need to somehow internalize that support as needed. If I listen quietly, I can hear Beverly's way of asking the right questions in a calm way, and untangling the mess of things like unraveling a tangled ball of yarn. She had that power to step back and talk herself through a situation. I need to ask myself "WWBD" (What would Beverly do?)  And likewise, when I am in a medical situation, I can hear  Juliet's gentle, empathetic sigh, and her voice in my mind asking questions. I always ask myself WWJD (What would Juliet do?).

I still grapple with existential questions of how one person can be here one moment, and not the next? How can they have space and a life and then be gone? My faith tells me, they are just gone from view, but not from spirit. I believe their spirit or soul is released from the constraints of the body but now can operate on a larger plan with the Will of God or the Universe. I also have faith that when help is needed, I just need to ask. I have to remember that.

Of course, it is easiest to get my help from a person in the flesh. It is preferable to make a call and hear a reassuring voice on the end of the line. That is why I am SO GRATEFUL for all the times Bevely and Juliet have been a life-line to me. It is an honor to have known and loved each of them, the short time we had together. I appreciate all their support. They did what they knew and loved, and shared that with me.  I am thankful their words and phrases still echo in my mind. Now, rather than being a voice on the phone, they are like angels over my shoulders.

Thank you Beverly, and thank you Juliet, may flights of angels lead you on your way! And my condolences to your families and the ones who love and miss you.

I hope to continue your work and make you proud. Maybe one day I can be a calming voice of assurance in someone else's mind.

I'm working on it.

I saw an interesting little rosary in an antique shop in East Grand Rapids. When I first spied it, in a cluttered, dark case, amid the tie clips and worn out lighters, I thought it was a treasure! It looked like a rosary made for an artist. Each decade featured a different colored opal-like bead. My heart leapt with joy as I ran the colored beads through my fingers and imagined it inspiring my quiet meditations. I was ready to make it my own until. . . I noticed the imperfections.

Missing from the crucifix was the figure of Christ. There was just a rough, metal cross with holes where the figure originally would have been attached. To me the crucifix is an important part of the rosary. It is the starting point of the rosary and the place where it ends - the beginning and the end. It is the foundation of our Catholic religion - the symbol of Christ dying on the cross for each of us. I felt a little deflated in its absence; it even felt a bit sacrilegious.

And then I noticed that the red-rosy decade was missing four beads. That wouldn't do. With all the imperfections, the rosary seemed spoiled.  So I thanked the seller and had him put it back because I couldn't buy it if it wasn't perfect or complete. How could I use it or appreciate it if it wasn't all there? I had such a hard time letting it go since I liked it so much, so right then I made up my mind to go home and try to find out if I could fix it, then I'd go back to get it. I would do what I can to make it complete again.

Back home, I began searching the internet for similar rosaries, or bead-making distributors where  hopefully, I could find matching beads. No luck. I searched for months, on and off, but never found anything that was close. I resigned myself to the fact that I had to get that rosary out of my mind and forget about it.

A few months after that, on one of our antique shop explorations, we visited that shop again AND IT WAS STILL THERE! I was happy to see it like a long lost friend. I asked to hold it again and finger the smooth, small beads but this time I had a flash of enlightenment. As I held the rosary I had a message so clear in my mind: that it IS imperfect, and that is okay, because so am I. I was able to see that rosary in a new way, and made it my own.

I am, now, okay that Jesus is no longer hanging on the cross because he is risen. I see that broken, vacant cross is a sign of my faith. And the beads that are missing are okay as well. I like to think of it is as God is giving me a free-pass. When I reach that decade instead of doing ten 'Hail Marys',  I only need to do six because he knows of my trials and is giving me a break. It makes me smile when I am working through that decade - a secret between me and God. 

So that is how I view it. I now accept that the rosary - my rosary - as being imperfect and am learning to accept and embrace my imperfections as well. There is probably a great story to go along with the broken rosary and how it came to be that way, I wonder what it is?  Anyhow, now my rosary serves to remind me to try and look at things from a different perspective and not to judge someone or something by whether or not it is perfect but accept the uniqueness. 

I'm working on it.

It's that time of year again...the first full weekend in June. I look forward to the Festival of the Arts all year. The smoke from the grills, and scents of spicy concoctions make my mouth water and my spirit soar. I love walking through the crowds of people and hearing snippets of conversations. The music for each of the stages is as varied as people and food. I enjoy finding a spot to sit, nibbling on a treat, and watching the people go by. This year, I already got an elephant ear slathered in cherry pie filling, and something new called a Polish Burrito. It had kielbasa, kapusta and mashed potatoes all rolled in a flour tortilla. It was MUCH better than it sounded. Yummy.

This Friday night visit, I remembered my sketchbook (but forgot my camera). So here is one sketch I did. I was trying to capture the light and shadow of the skyline view from one stage.

I look forward to my visit today....we're heading back downtown!

As we are already well into a another new year,  I am still on my slow, steady journey to declutter my home and simplify my surroundings. By eliminating excess I hope to scale down to what is truly meaningful to me. Sometimes I get caught up in the process of 'getting rid of'; it is nice to think about what I can 'add' in my life.

Courtney Carver is one person who has a blog I like to follow. I respect her journey and her process. Her approach to minimizing comes across as calming and supportive - not preachy at all. She is the creator of Project 333. This list is taken from a post she wrote in May 2014. It is a good reminder for me and is still relevant today.
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This is like a revisit of post from one year ago.

It is the day after my birthday and I feel so blessed and loved. I am most grateful for another day to wake up to sunshine and good health and spirits and ... carrot cake.

It is joy in a box. Just a little. To cheer my tastebuds.

Over this past year, we've had some ups and downs, some losses and gains, but overall, I feel so blessed.

Thank you friends for your friendship and caring.

I am honored and ready to take on this new year!

I recently had an echocardiogram that reaffirms my awe of the human body. Lying in the dark, watching the images on the screen, I was fascinated to see my own beating heart. It was pumping and working away so hard; amazingly I had the ability to just watch it and be grateful. I said out loud "thank you little heart - keep going - don't stop". The technician must have thought I was a bit crazy. To think my whole existence depends on a muscle to keep going. It gets no rest, no good-days and bad-days, no vacations - just non-stop pumping. I think about how often I get a muscle leg cramp or foot cramp. My heart is just a muscle, too. What if it decides to just cramp up or have a weird glitch?

All our lives hang in the balance of tissues and muscles getting signals to continue on. That is sobering. Our bodies are so wonderfully made. They take so much abuse and just keep on doing what they do - usually without much thought from us. Yet, we often are shocked when something is wrong or a disease infiltrates. But when looking at all the things that can go wrong with the human body, it's a wonder any of us are well at all. We are really just at the mercy of the next heartbeat or the next breath.

So a big shout out to my heart....and yours...for doing such a marvelous job. KEEP ON beating little hearts....we are so grateful.



Note - In case you were wondering, Heart Disease runs in our family, and we have lost a few dear, loved ones because of that condition. I recently had some heart 'rhythm' issues come up, so I am getting that checked out. The best I can do is eat responsibly, keep moving, and be aware of any changes. Please take care of yourself, be kind to your body, and I'll do the same.

Welcome to a new year! I was disappointed in myself that I didn't do a drawing on January 1st and everyday since. Then I was thinking about the drawings I could do 'later' that would illustrate my thoughts of this new year. After going down that thought process a while, and reflecting on my thoughts of the last couple of months, I came to the conclusion: I am blessed with this very moment, and to work with what I have, right where I am at. That is the most any of us can do.

So thinking about this new year, I decided to do a quick little drawing, right here, right now, with what I have available. That meant a black sharpie and four highlighters. That is it. I wanted to illustrate the whiteness and brightness of a new start. I wanted to show the freshness of a winter walk, with all the color, and spunk of our little dog trekking through the snow. When she sees something she is excited and invigorated. That's how I want to start into this year - with the hope of all the possibilities of what we will experience along the way.

I haven't made an entry on my blog in almost two months. Life had gotten busy and took a turn we hadn't expected. And like usual, sometimes I put too much pressure on myself, and too many expectations of what I should accomplish and feel badly because of it. That isn't the best way to operate. I need to remind myself to just 'be' for the moment and work with where I'm at. 

I was reminded of that at the recent funeral of my very sweet Mother-in-law who past away before Christmas. The reading of  'A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.' really represented Rose and hit home to me.  (Ecclesiastes 3:4) She lived simply and liked her days structured. She never ran herself ragged, but enjoyed a steady pace to life, and loved it to flow in an orderly manner. She loved the simple things and her family most of all.

It's sad to think that she isn't there in her favorite chair, doing her word puzzles, until it is time to start dinner. And it's bittersweet to think about the upcoming year, when we are still feeling her loss, and the loss of other loved ones and face all the unknowns ahead of us. But if we live by Rose's example, we should just take one thing at a time, and do that well, then that is the best we can do.

So we start this year anew. I don't know what the days ahead hold for us, but I do know that I am grateful for the day - right here, right now, and we'll face it together, right where we are at! I'm glad you're here on this journey.

Part of my goal of living with LESS accumulation of stuff, means having less in the closet. It seems so obvious that one of the ways to achieve having a simple wardrobe is to LIMIT yourself, but that is easier said than done.

If you are like me, you like choices. You like different looks and styles on different days. It is possible because we have an economic market that allows for so much variety. We have endless stores, catalogs, malls and internet ads. Our capitalist economy encourages consumerism. Most of us are flooded with commercials since birth, so we've grown up with companies enticing and encouraging us to want the next, bigger and better thing. (Being able to afford it, or fit into it is another discussion for another time.)

Fashion-wise, isn't it amazing to see so many choices? We can experiment with classic styles, urban styles, traditional styles and bohemian styles. You can wear your choice of silhouettes: billowy shirts, fitted tops, flowy bottoms, skinny pants. You get your choice of pant styles:  narrow legs, flared legs, capri pants or ankle pants. Then, to make it look right, sometimes you need tall-heeled shoes, flats shoes, knee-high boots, ankle booties. SO MANY CHOICES.

After reading about Jennifer L Scott's observations while living in Paris, she describes one variable to have smaller-limited wardrobe on the ability to find a look and stick to it. She briefly touches on it "Define Your True Style" in her blog, but goes into more detail in her book. She says that French women are shown from an early age how to accentuate their best features and stick to styles that flatter them. In other words, if a woman looks best in a A-line skirt and three-quarter sleeve top - then she'll have a few different colors and fabrics for variety, but keep the same silhouette. If a woman looks best in flowy tops over draping pants, you won't see her in a crisp, structured, business suit another day. She'll stick to a similar silhouette in different colors or fabrics, but will stay true to the style that suits her. She won't be a chameleon switching looks daily. She'll find what works for her and not deviate.

It really makes sense in some ways. It seems liberating to follow the Parisian example and know what works for you and stick to it. It saves time knowing what to buy and it wastes less money trying new trends. But by nature, the American in me wants to rebel and say "but I want it all". I like a variety, and want some days to be classic, or bohemian, or sporty, or demure. That's where it gets messy. More options = more clothes = overflowing wardrobe. That is what I'm trying to avoid and eliminate.

So, that is where I'm at. You've been with me through my decluttering. You know I am working toward a simpler wardrobe, but am still trying to figure out what style suits me best and be happy with it. If I have that in mind, I can eliminate what isn't suitable. 

I'm making some progress. I've been analyzing the thought behind why I choose certain things to wear and why I don't. I've found that my two favorite outfits have the same silhouette, so I am taking that as a cue and using it. Also, I realized that when I wear them, I feel the most like 'me'. So that is another cue. Now, to eliminate what isn't 'me'. One blogger calls it 'your uniform'. To find an outfit you like and duplicate the combination. It makes sense.

I'm working on it.

The sketches above are mine. I did quick, little, individual, gestural drawings to show different proportions and scanned them into my computer, and combined them into one image.

An incident happened that is upsetting to me, that I am still processing. I certainly don't need to illustrate it, but I challenge myself to draw what is on my mind.

When I think of it, I am still moved to tears for a little deer that was hit by a car and in front of the office where I work. Fortunately, I didn't see it happen. We estimate that It must have occurred within the hour before I arrived on Monday. 

It was the deer that I first saw as a spotted fawn hobbling through the tall grass this Spring. I was so excited to see it. It was like witnessing a Unicorn or some creature from a fable. Every day at work to give my eyes a break from the computer screen, I'd look across the street at the vacant lot that is covered with grass and trees looking for that little deer. There were two of them, actually, that lived in that area. It was a treat to spot them nibbling on leaves and playing among the tall weeds.

I didn't see them very often - only a handful of times. But each time I could see them getting bigger and quicker. They usually appeared on a misty, rainy sort of day. They brought me such joy to spot them moseying along in their habitat.

Monday, when I drove into the driveway at work, on a similar rainy, gray day, I couldn't miss the large reddish belly lying in the grass next to the road. Its head was lying gently on the curb, as if it was taking a nap. I felt crushed with sadness. I told the guys at work hoping for them to share in my grief, but just laughed it off, saying it's a fact of life.

I didn't want to share this news to sadden YOUR day. But I felt like I had to share the grief for the little creature - God's little creature - whom I appreciated. A loss of life - any loss - is sad. I guess that is what makes life so valuable and cherished. 

So to make myself feel better I say a little prayer, or poem, that I wrote. It helps me acknowledge the life and bless it in some small way. I'll pray it for all the little creatures that leave us.  Here's to you, little deer. You were appreciated and are missed.

Go In Peace 

Thanks for the life 
that roamed the Earth and sky.
Tears for the loss,
and to say good-bye

Prayers for the soul
that breathed under the sun,
Send it off with love
Go in peace, dear one!

(or should I say deer one in this case)


PS. After the fact when I went to work the next day, I found out that after I left work, the other deer got killed by a car, on our side of the road. It is so sad. The animals take the brunt of our industrial expansion. They have no where to wander and live their lives.

Well, I made it through a whole month of daily decluttering. Thanks for following along on my journey. Now that we are into October, I've been thinking over my experience. Here are some things I learned from my DeCluttering Challenge.

I have a LONG way to go. I think I am working on the tip of the iceberg.

I still have a LOT of stuff. Even though I got rid of some extras, the amount of stuff I have is 10 times that. I am going to continue my journey to pare down my belongings. It is my current goal. I once read a post from a person on a minimalist web site who was trying to live a minimalist lifestyle, and he said that when his Grandmother had past away, all her personal possessions (not furniture) could fit in the trunk of a car. That is, her clothing and special trinkets and mementos. To some people, that may sound pitiful. But if you look at it realistically, she couldn't take it with her. How much stuff does a person really need? And what is the purpose - to leave it for your loved ones? Do they want it?

It is all about making a decision. Sometimes the clutter is there because I just can't make a decision. Facing the messy stack of clutter is depressing. It isn't overwhelming to clean, as much as it is overwhelming to make a decision with what to do with it. Sometimes it helped to literally say out loud "It has to go somewhere, where should it go….file, store, or let it go?"

It gets easier. At first it was slightly painful and difficult to lose my tight grasp on my items. But as the month went on and I was getting used to making tough choices, it did get a bit easier.

I had to go with my momentum - but give myself some slack.  I gave myself certain goals each day. But some days, I felt an emotional block. I just couldn't move forward with that goal. I thought about it and was open to other ideas, and I found that there was another task equally as important, and I could throw myself into. In retrospect, the reason I couldn't move forward with some tasks was that I hadn't been emotionally ready to face them. For instance, the bottom of my closet had personal mementos that I had to make a decision about. I had a mental challenge that I had to be in a particular frame of mind to tackle. I put it off a couple of times before I could face the task. When I was ready, making the choices was easier and cathartic. It helped to be gentle with myself and understanding in the process.

Enjoy my progress. Every little bit of decluttering helps. I have to encourage my progress and remind myself to enjoy the accomplishments, no matter how small. Feeling the rush of excitement when I walk into a room and see a decluttered spot, gives me incentive to do more. I need to recognize the achievement and GO WITH THAT momentum.

It helps to have a lifestyle vision. It helps me face all my possessions and to be discerning by having a vision of what I want my home to be. There are a few minimalist sites I like to visit online, and it is so refreshing to see each of them operate with less 'stuff'. Their homes are easy to clean with less stuff to clutter. They don't spend time and money worrying about what to wear because they have a few pieces that work well together. If they need to move or go on vacation, they just pack their few possessions and go. It seems wonderful to me. When I imagine my home that way, I hold that vision in my mind, and as I pick up each item I ask myself "Does this fit in that vision?" And usually the answer is NO, and I can live with that - so out it goes.

It doesn't help to remove clutter, if there is still more stuff coming in. This is a relatively new way of looking at things for me. This is my new approach to keep from bring in more stuff:

Have a plan. I am a collector by nature. If I see something pretty, interesting, or useful, then I want it. I can talk myself into and justify almost anything.  I've learned that I need to give myself boundaries. My boundaries are my vision and my list. Before I take something into my home and life, I have to see if it is in my plan or on my 'necessary' list. If it isn't, then I have talk myself out of wanting it and bypass it.

Have a buying list. This goes along with my plan. As I go through my day, if there is something I really need, I write it on a list. Or if I see a gap in my home routine or wardrobe, or an item that will make my life easier and fit into my vision, then I write in on a list. Then, I only allow myself to buy what is on my list. As I surf the internet, it is easy to be tempted by hundred of items that pass by me. Let's say a beautiful teal cardigan goes on sale, or a fabulous new mop (one that I am convinced would will make my life easier), then I feel compelled to get it. Right? So what I have to do is to consult my list. Is it on the list? Nope. I have to let it pass.

That's it! So, overall I am really happy with this experience. I thank you for going along with me and for your support and encouragement. I can't believe that a whole month has flown by. My goal was 465 items. I actually eliminated 859! I feel lighter and freer. Ahhhhh. I'm going to keep at it. (Don't worry, I won't be posting my progress every single day.) I have to admit, that it is getting easier to part with junk…I mean possessions. My husband and son are even eliminating some stuff. It took years to accumulate, so I imagine it'll take some time to let it go. We'll see where we are a year from now.

I'll keep working on it!

If you want to read my daily comments about my 30-day decluttering challenge, and see my progress through pictures, you can click on this link.

Well…here we are…half-way through the month of September, and half-way through my DeCluttering Challenge. Thanks for being beside me on my journey. I hope you don't find my posts annoying or pompous. I've decided to do this challenge publicly to hold myself accountable. I figure if you know my goals, then I can't shirk them. It seems to help me.

So far as of yesterday, day 14, I have eliminated 485 items that were cluttering up my space. Some days I've dug up a few more than was expected. I am happy to say that for the WHOLE MONTH my goal was 465 items (as the challenge designates), but, half-way through I am already at 485. That makes me feel good and takes some of the pressure off.

I don't know if you are like me or not, in the way that as soon as there is a goal set, then I feel anxious and stressed. Like the first week of school or college. As soon as the Professor/Teacher hands out a syllabus, I feel internal stress about whether I can achieve the level of perfection required or can complete a given task. The process is all internal. THAT is what I've been trying to avoid in this challenge. I wanted it to be exciting and liberating NOT another added stress in my life.

So far, so good. I've had a few moments of panic. My plan is to continue with the closet and drawers, and move onto the linen closet. I still have the two high traffic horizontal spaces that I want to eliminate clutter (telephone shelf and kitchen table). Before I can clean, I need to figure out a system of where to put the items that have to be easily accessible. If I had it figured out I would have done it already. So those spots are a big challenge to me. Hopefully I can come up with something that works.

This illustration is of my GOAL. I'm a long way off, but am making progress. This was done with Prisma Colored Pencils and a watercolor wash on watercolor paper.

I'm working on it! 

I read a tip on a blog/website that seems to work. It said to give the feeling of less clutter - even in a visually-busy, heavily decorated house, keep the horizontal surfaces free. It showed photos of walls filled with books, and lamps, and drawers, yet the house felt 'clean' - and that was because the horizontal surfaces like counter tops and table, and floor were clutter free. The page was from The Small Notebook. I really like her blog; however, it is an older blog, and she hasn't posted anything recently. I'm not sure why. This is a paragraph of hers: "When you have clear surfaces, your room is ready to be used. You can come in and set down your drinks and popcorn bowl on the coffee table. You can eat dinner at the table without sitting next to the paperwork. Your bed is ready for you to stretch out on it. The room welcomes you. It’s not a place to hold your stuff, it’s a place where you can live."

Anyhow, I was intrigued. I tried it. It works! When the dining room table was clear, and the shelf by the phone was clear of clutter, it felt like a breath of fresh air. I like it! It feels like cheating housecleaning. It's fun to walk from room to room and feel 'lighter'.

Now, be warned, it doesn't stay that way long. All it takes is one person to walk by and the table is filled again. I swear, a clean table-top is like a magnetic - people can't resist the urge to stack things there. It's kind of like, the minute your have all the dishes done and put away, then you feel the urge to bake something! There is something about having open space makes you want to fill it, and put your mark on it. Like the Wild West, in your own home.

But I am going to do my best to keep at it. It feels good to have clear table top and dresser - it is already filling up - so I'll have to work at it daily. I just completed my first week of the Decluttering Challenge you can read more on my Facebook page. (I've been documenting my progress with photos.) I'd say my emotions feel 'energized' at this point. I have a long way to go, but I am feeling the excitement of making a dent in my cluttered chaos. Each time I walk into a room my eye goes toward the de-cluttered area, and it makes me feel good. I'm on a roll!

I'm working on it! 

This simplified pen and ink drawing is of our living room/dining room area. We live a small, old home, and have a LOT of stuff packed in. I've found the clearing of horizontal surfaces really helps to open up the area. Now if I could only keep it that way!