This is me...giving YOU...permission to be that person.

If you only knew how many times I've heard, when out in public, "I always wished I could draw" or "I always wished I could be a skirt-wearer" or "I always wished I could be a hat-wearer". It makes me think of how many times I said something like that to myself. And really, the only difference between wishing to be that type of person and BEING that type of person...is doing it.

It's really that simple. So, if you want to be a hat-person...then put on a hat and wear it.
If you want to be a skirt wearing person...then put on a skirt and wear it.
If you want to be an artist...than grab the first drawing instrument in front of you and make marks on paper. You are not an imposter, and you don't need someone else's permission.

There will always be uncomfortableness at first. It won't feel like you, or you may feel like you don't know what you are doing. But do it anyway. Every day. The more you do it, or the more you put it on, it will begin to feel more normal. Remind yourself that you have every right to wear that, or do that, or draw that. You have the permission to try and try again. No one is EVER good at their first attempt at something. That is where trial and practice come in.

Some people try something and then instantly judge themselves. They may feel intimidated about other people's perceived judgement or they don't like the uncomfortableness so they think they aren't meant to wear that or do that. Don't let that stop you. Do it, then do it again, and again, and it will begin to feel like you. It will grow to be a part of you or what you do or who you are.

If you want to draw but feel stifled then change the way you think about it or how you talk to yourself. If you try to draw your dog, and don't like the way it looks, don't stop. Try it again. Or don't focus on whether it is 'good', but try focusing on the process. Play with it. Think about experimenting with colors, or how they change when you overlay them. Try making different textures. Think about experimenting with how some ink pens bleed and how some are permanent. Try exploring other artist's way of drawing or painting. Try following other artists on Instagram or YouTube and deciphering what it is or what you like about their work and try doing that. Don't let your mind stop you from getting out of your comfort zone and trying something new.

The same goes for wearing something new. Don't let your mind talk you out of it but explore different versions of that item. For instance, I remember a time that I said to myself "I love seeing suits and blazers but I could never wear them" and the sales person said something that stuck with me, she said "then you just haven't found the right style yet; there is a style or cut that suits everyone". I remember that and apply it to so many areas of my life.

Not every style looks good on everyone, so be willing to experiment. If you want to be a hat-wearer, and you try on a hat and don't like the way it looks then don't dismiss all hats, but ask yourself why. If you don't like the way it feels, then try a different fabric or material. If you don't like how you look in it, figure out why. Do you need one with a brim? Or is brimless better for your face shape? Do you need something smaller or larger to balance your proportions? Do you need something more classic or more sporty? Does a taller crown flatter your face or would a shallower crown be more suited for your head size? There are lots of choices. Even if it feels odd at first, the more you wear it, the more it will feel like you!

I always liked the look of skirts and wanted to be a skirt wearing person. So I tried and tried many different styles and lengths, and little by little I am learning what I like on me. Now, it feels like 'me' to wear them. To wear them in winter...find tights that you like. Wear them with boots or sneakers in summer. Wear them for dressing up or dressing down. The more you wear them, the more they'll feel like you. And don't stop until you find a style that is flattering. Keep trying.

What type of 'person' do you aspire to be? An athlete? Then you know what to do...start by putting on your sneakers and going for a walk. Take that first step. You want to be a more organized person? Then, make a list of things to do. You want to learn something new? I'm sure there is a video out there to demonstrate that very thing.

I think the Nike slogan says it best "Just do it". I like to take it a step further by saying if you 'do it' you will 'be it'. If you wear boots, then you are a boot-wearer. If you like to draw sunsets, then you are an artist. If you do kind deeds, then you are a kind person. We each have permission to do those things and be those types of people.

I'm working on it.

Day 60, Two-months post surgery.

I can't believe this surgery is two months behind me. I can't say that I am used to my new shape and proportions, and I am still grappling with how my favorite clothing is fitting. But what I can definitely appreciate is my ability to get up and move, sit and stand, without thinking about it. I can now breathe and move without wincing or preparing my mind for discomfort upon changing position. It is a relief.

But as things change...things are changing. As I was getting more range of motion, I began to have 'cording' which is common. So I needed to have Physical Therapy. I, then, began therapy but now I can't sleep without pain because things are shifting my spine. I am beginning to feel nerves reconnecting. Some of the numbness is going away but now I get shocking pains under my arms where nerve endings are reaching out. One thing changes and another thing pops up. 

I completed therapy but that wasn't solving my spine issue, so I needed to see a Chiropractor for sessions to help. Then I saw a Lymphatic Drainage specialist and Massage Therapist. It's a lot. But, how can I not? I appreciate the ability to have services close by and the financial resources to seek their help. I can't imagine going through this without help. 
​

So, what am I doing now? Physically, I am exercising and stretching everyday to increase range of motion and rebuild strength. I am following that path of giving attention to whatever pops up. For enjoyment?  I am sketching whenever I can. It is both stimulating and relaxing as well. It is exciting to surround myself with others who are creating art, or exploring sketching for themselves. I was honored and proud to be a part of an Urban Sketchers of Michigan Exhibit at the Art's Council of White Lake Nuveen Center in September.

Personally, I am continuing to work, to help pay off the dozens of bills totaling thousands of dollars I've accumulated over the last few months. This year has been a costly one. But this little cancer adventure has brought to the forefront benefits as well. It is a realization of the need to be open with loved ones, and grasp opportunities that show themselves. Hopefully we don't go back to taking each other for granted, and we remember to live each day as if it is a gift. I believe we can only do what we can do, love who we can love, and move our bodies the best we can.

​I'm working on it.

Thoughts from Day 14. Two weeks post surgery.

It was such a relief to get drain tubes removed, and being told I no longer needed to wear compression garments on my torso. I still needed to wear the Steri-strips for another week or so to help keep the incision from widening but I was beginning to differentiate what pains and tightness were from drain tubes, or scar pain or muscle tightness. My main focus was understanding what symptoms are temporary or what is my new way of operating.

I had no idea if my incision would stay puckered, or if my chest will remain concave. I worried that the mild lymphedema I was experiencing in my chest was going to get worse or not. Everything was so different, and I didn't know what was normal or what was not. At this stage, my overall complaint was extreme tightness. It felt like wear an extremely tight bra, one that was three sizes too tight, only you can't ever take it off. Night and day my skin and muscles were WAY TOO TIGHT. I got no relief. I was hoping it wasn't like this the rest of my life. So I turned to the Internet to search for answers.

I found a couple of websites by YouTube Physical Therapists who specialize in Breast Cancer Therapy. They were Godsent. They provided just the information I needed at just the right time. They gave basic stretching and movement exercises to help with healing to do at 2-3 weeks, and then after 4 weeks, stretching can intensify. One interesting fact I learned is that scar tissue doesn't have to remain painful and stiff, that if you can manipulate the scar tissue, you can progress to rolling the tissues and loosen things up. That can even be done years later, but obviously better if you can start early. If you want to explore, I'd recommend videos on scar tissue by Jen Mckenzie, Physical Therapist and Breast Cancer Specialist who goes by The Breast Cancer Physio. Another is Kelly, who goes by the Cancer Rehab PT.

So, I started small and light and over days progressed to firmer rolling of the tissue. Within three days of beginning that therapy, that extreme tightness began to feel lessened. I was hoping that if I worked hard, I could make some progress understanding that I still have a long way to go. But that was the difficult part, not knowing if this was a stage of recovery, or if this was the way things will be.

I didn't know. But what I did know is that I'd do everything I could to get answers and keep the healing moving on.

I'm working on it.

​

Day 7 Post surgery. It was so much harder than I anticipated. I was gauging the recovery of my bilateral mastectomies on how well the recovery of my two lumpectomies went. But this was a whole different beast. The constant uncomfortableness can not be stressed enough. It was a lot. It was uncomfortable and pinchy to breathe, to move, to sit, to lie. There was pressure and pain from tight binding on the outside and from the inside where the drain tubes were scraping. It just was NOT fun. There was a constant reminder of uncomfortableness that would only be relieved with time. Did I mention how uncomfortable it was?

But I kept busy with being proactive about my care. I recorded temperature, and cleaned and stripped my drainage tubes twice a day. I recorded and emptied by drainage bulbs twice a day at first, and then later just once a day. There wasn't much more I could do. It brought flashbacks of having a newborn baby. I remember that uncertainness, and the only confidence was recording our progress. I remember writing down times of wet diapers and bowel movements, and baths. This felt the same.

​I was grateful for family and friends that stopped by to lend a hand with care and company. I was surprised with a candlelight vigil as family and friends gathered outside on the sidewalk to wish me well. I was blessed with all the people praying for me, for my recovery, and for good results from the pathology reports. I was just in a metaphorical cocoon, holding me tight, and my body doing physical work that I had no control of. Only time would tell the outcome.

I had no idea what was going on under the wraps. I was advised not to change bandages or shower that area until my 7-day checkup. The weather had been warm and the bindings were beginning to have an odor I feared was infection. I worried that something was oozing or putrifying under wraps. My imagination was making up horrifying scenarios. But I had no fever, so I had to put my faith in my body knew what to do.

The other fear that plagued my mind was that THIS surgery, and pain, was just the beginning of the end of me. We had no idea if cancer had spread to lymph nodes and beyond. We DID know that one DCIS was Estrogen/Progesterone Negative which was not favorable and unresponsive to chemotherapy. So my prayers were that all the cancer was contained.

When we got the results from the surgery, where they examined the removed tissue, and sentinel lymph nodes, it was a HUGE, lifesaving relief. It appears that the margins were clear, cancer contained, with no metastasis. That meant I did not need chemotherapy or radiation. Hallelujah! Now I could get on with healing and living. (Still feeling a bit like the other shoe was going to drop.)

I challenged myself to do an Urban Sketchers Meet Up in Holland, Michigan, pretending all was normal, while under my shirt I had bandages and drain tubes. But it felt good to be out and about, driving for the first time since surgery, and doing what I love. I met some wonderful women sketchers that had similar experiences, and I felt like I was part of club. (A club I never wanted to join.) The sharing of stories and support brought tears to my eyes.

The pain and uncomfortableness was still there, and I still needed to have drain tubes in for a few more days, but knowing this was the end of my procedures was a huge sigh of relief. Dr. App had removed my bandages, and all was well and healing nicely. I was on the road to recovery. It was so strange seeing my body for the first time. I was grateful to have my husband and sister there for support. I was glad that the incisions looked great but the missing breasts made me feel a bit disfigured. It took some getting used to.

​The changes and body image is still surprising to me. But I am getting used to it. I'm working on it.