Day 7 Post surgery. It was so much harder than I anticipated. I was gauging the recovery of my bilateral mastectomies on how well the recovery of my two lumpectomies went. But this was a whole different beast. The constant uncomfortableness can not be stressed enough. It was a lot. It was uncomfortable and pinchy to breathe, to move, to sit, to lie. There was pressure and pain from tight binding on the outside and from the inside where the drain tubes were scraping. It just was NOT fun. There was a constant reminder of uncomfortableness that would only be relieved with time. Did I mention how uncomfortable it was?

But I kept busy with being proactive about my care. I recorded temperature, and cleaned and stripped my drainage tubes twice a day. I recorded and emptied by drainage bulbs twice a day at first, and then later just once a day. There wasn't much more I could do. It brought flashbacks of having a newborn baby. I remember that uncertainness, and the only confidence was recording our progress. I remember writing down times of wet diapers and bowel movements, and baths. This felt the same.

​I was grateful for family and friends that stopped by to lend a hand with care and company. I was surprised with a candlelight vigil as family and friends gathered outside on the sidewalk to wish me well. I was blessed with all the people praying for me, for my recovery, and for good results from the pathology reports. I was just in a metaphorical cocoon, holding me tight, and my body doing physical work that I had no control of. Only time would tell the outcome.

I had no idea what was going on under the wraps. I was advised not to change bandages or shower that area until my 7-day checkup. The weather had been warm and the bindings were beginning to have an odor I feared was infection. I worried that something was oozing or putrifying under wraps. My imagination was making up horrifying scenarios. But I had no fever, so I had to put my faith in my body knew what to do.

The other fear that plagued my mind was that THIS surgery, and pain, was just the beginning of the end of me. We had no idea if cancer had spread to lymph nodes and beyond. We DID know that one DCIS was Estrogen/Progesterone Negative which was not favorable and unresponsive to chemotherapy. So my prayers were that all the cancer was contained.

When we got the results from the surgery, where they examined the removed tissue, and sentinel lymph nodes, it was a HUGE, lifesaving relief. It appears that the margins were clear, cancer contained, with no metastasis. That meant I did not need chemotherapy or radiation. Hallelujah! Now I could get on with healing and living. (Still feeling a bit like the other shoe was going to drop.)

I challenged myself to do an Urban Sketchers Meet Up in Holland, Michigan, pretending all was normal, while under my shirt I had bandages and drain tubes. But it felt good to be out and about, driving for the first time since surgery, and doing what I love. I met some wonderful women sketchers that had similar experiences, and I felt like I was part of club. (A club I never wanted to join.) The sharing of stories and support brought tears to my eyes.

The pain and uncomfortableness was still there, and I still needed to have drain tubes in for a few more days, but knowing this was the end of my procedures was a huge sigh of relief. Dr. App had removed my bandages, and all was well and healing nicely. I was on the road to recovery. It was so strange seeing my body for the first time. I was grateful to have my husband and sister there for support. I was glad that the incisions looked great but the missing breasts made me feel a bit disfigured. It took some getting used to.

​The changes and body image is still surprising to me. But I am getting used to it. I'm working on it.

That dreaded purple marker that my breast surgeon uses to mark the shape of things to come. It is messy and difficult to remove. She likes to generously mark where cut lines will be and what to expect. The purple line is evidence of change, but what can prepare a person for that sort of life changing step?

I currently attempting to make preparations for surgery which will be in a few days. Blood is drawn and the marker is scoured away. Now I just tie up loose ends like end of month bills, and wait for surgery and subsequent results. But, what should I do while in this transitional stage?

At this moment, I still have my breasts which I have kind of gotten attached to. In the early years they signaled change and the mystery of growing up. In my young adult years they symbolized coming to terms with my grown up body, and autonomy. As a young mom, I am grateful they were givers of life and sustenance for my baby. It's so odd to think they are growing cancer cells and my body is feeding that growth as if its life depends on it, when the opposite is actually happening.

I am trying to stay in the moment; this moment that God has blessed me with. It is truly paralyzing to think of what may come (for those are the thoughts that race through my mind as I try to fall asleep, or are the first thoughts upon waking). I can't let myself get caught up in the 'why' and 'what could I have done differently to prevent it'. And I can't let myself get caught up in 'what is going to happen to my son, and husband, and family, without me'. Those kinds of thoughts cease me up and bring me to tears. So instead, I breathe and take this moment of peace and gratitude and love the people around me, and do what I have to do.

So, thank you breasts for serving me well. I will move on from here doing whatever I can for health and preservation. Thank you to my friends and family, who have crossed my path for a while, or have walked this life together. I'll try to stay grateful and remain p r e s e n t because there is peace in that.

I am working on it.

It feels so good to get back to working in a sketchbook. I am challenging myself to draw everyday, and it is helpful to have a focus. It certainly helped me to join a new local chapter of Urban Sketchers. We gather together or sketch individually, but post our work collectively as Urban Sketchers West Michigan.

I used to use a sketchbook to record ideas, to practice, and work through projects, but didn't use the sketchbook as an end result. I might have a sketch of here or there, but nothing consistently. Since meeting up with others and sketching our corner of the world, it has encouraged me to draw daily and record what I see around me. What I love about sketching is that it takes the pressure off of needing to have a 'finished' work of art. It allows me to sketch quick, and loose, and to play with the process without worrying about the end result as I would with a final piece.

What I also love about having a sketchbook is that it is a recording of a personal memory. Taking the time to sketch allows me to interact with my environment. I get to really look at what is in front of me and focus on the bits that are of interest. Then, I have that moment recorded like a scrapbook to look back on. Each and every time I sketch, regardless of the medium, I learn something new. I learn to mix colors, or how they interact with that particular paper, or I figure out a new technique or discover a way I like to work.

I had always asked other artists and professionals how to develop a style, and the answer would always be the same...just draw! It isn't until I actually draw daily and accumulate a large quantity of sketches that I am beginning to feel comfortable with the process. Where it goes from here will be fun to see.

I encourage you to pick up a pencil or pen and draw what you see. It doesn't matter the level of your ability, or if you've had formal training. And you never have to share your sketch with anyone else if you don't want. Do it for you. You may find it relaxing to explore the world with line and color. Get back to the happiness you found in coloring, as a child. It may awaken the want to 'play' with art materials. Anyone can do it.

Feel free to follow us on Facebook or join our Urban Sketchers West Michigan group. There is no cost and all levels are welcome! Upcoming meet-up events are posted. Urban sketching isn't just for outside drawing either. It is inside or out, interiors, exteriors, landscapes, people or pets in an environment. I even take those bits of urban sketching in my sketchbooks, and rework them back at home at my drawing table. Sketching leads to inspiration!

I encourage you to try to sketch. Practice. Have fun. Reach out to me if you need help or want company.

I'm working on it! How about you?

To some, Memorial Day is a day off from work to enjoy the everyday things we enjoy such as family, food, and fun. For others, Memorial Day is a day to visit the cemetery and remember parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, and those we love who have passed on. It is important to take time to keep in mind those that can no longer enjoy the pleasures of life on this earth. Keeping each of them in mind is like keeping a part of them alive.

But on Memorial Day, we can take that one step further, and remember why this holiday was designated: to honor the men and women who died serving in the U.S. Military. Each individual left his or her family to fight to preserve our rights and freedoms.

We celebrate those who made that sacrifice, and whose lives were changed by serving in the military. I'd like to thank those close to me who are still serving; a shout out to nephews Elton and Hunter, and to other family members who are proud veterans: Father-in-law Bill, Brother-in-law Jim H, sister Mary Therese,  nephew Bob B and cousin Tom W.  Remembrances for veteran uncles Bob and Milo whose lives were changed because of the war and who have passed away.

Thank you for your service! I'll continue to keep you in mind and in my prayers of thanksgiving.

​I'm working on it.

If you're from West Michigan, your childhood probably included a visit to John Ball Park Zoo, on the northwest side of Grand Rapids. And no visit would be complete without a climb on the John Ball statue. This past Saturday, I visited the Zoo with my husband and son (who is now all grown up).

I felt nostalgic as the fond memories of climbing the statue came flooding back to me. I remembered feeling the fear of falling off and yet how pleasing it was to rub my hands over the well worn, shiny areas that had years of polishing. I couldn't forget the slight pain of touching the hot metal that was heated by the sun.

It is comforting to see the statue still sitting in the same spot, and to know that as life moves on, that somethings still remain. It is kind of like a testament that 'I was here, and this meant something to me'.



This is a watercolor pencil drawing over pen and ink from my sketchbook, and for comparison, a photo I took for reference. For this sketch, I wasn't trying for realism, I was just playing with color and trying to work with the watercolor pencils. I wanted to experiment to see if I could leave the line, or if the water would smooth it all out. My dissatisfaction was that I hadn't left enough white in the highlighted areas of the statue. I tried to go over it with chalk pastel, and when that didn't work, I tried white out pen. But neither would bring back the white. 

An incident happened that is upsetting to me, that I am still processing. I certainly don't need to illustrate it, but I challenge myself to draw what is on my mind.

When I think of it, I am still moved to tears for a little deer that was hit by a car and in front of the office where I work. Fortunately, I didn't see it happen. We estimate that It must have occurred within the hour before I arrived on Monday. 

It was the deer that I first saw as a spotted fawn hobbling through the tall grass this Spring. I was so excited to see it. It was like witnessing a Unicorn or some creature from a fable. Every day at work to give my eyes a break from the computer screen, I'd look across the street at the vacant lot that is covered with grass and trees looking for that little deer. There were two of them, actually, that lived in that area. It was a treat to spot them nibbling on leaves and playing among the tall weeds.

I didn't see them very often - only a handful of times. But each time I could see them getting bigger and quicker. They usually appeared on a misty, rainy sort of day. They brought me such joy to spot them moseying along in their habitat.

Monday, when I drove into the driveway at work, on a similar rainy, gray day, I couldn't miss the large reddish belly lying in the grass next to the road. Its head was lying gently on the curb, as if it was taking a nap. I felt crushed with sadness. I told the guys at work hoping for them to share in my grief, but just laughed it off, saying it's a fact of life.

I didn't want to share this news to sadden YOUR day. But I felt like I had to share the grief for the little creature - God's little creature - whom I appreciated. A loss of life - any loss - is sad. I guess that is what makes life so valuable and cherished. 

So to make myself feel better I say a little prayer, or poem, that I wrote. It helps me acknowledge the life and bless it in some small way. I'll pray it for all the little creatures that leave us.  Here's to you, little deer. You were appreciated and are missed.

Go In Peace 

Thanks for the life 
that roamed the Earth and sky.
Tears for the loss,
and to say good-bye

Prayers for the soul
that breathed under the sun,
Send it off with love
Go in peace, dear one!

(or should I say deer one in this case)


PS. After the fact when I went to work the next day, I found out that after I left work, the other deer got killed by a car, on our side of the road. It is so sad. The animals take the brunt of our industrial expansion. They have no where to wander and live their lives.

Well, I made it through a whole month of daily decluttering. Thanks for following along on my journey. Now that we are into October, I've been thinking over my experience. Here are some things I learned from my DeCluttering Challenge.

I have a LONG way to go. I think I am working on the tip of the iceberg.

I still have a LOT of stuff. Even though I got rid of some extras, the amount of stuff I have is 10 times that. I am going to continue my journey to pare down my belongings. It is my current goal. I once read a post from a person on a minimalist web site who was trying to live a minimalist lifestyle, and he said that when his Grandmother had past away, all her personal possessions (not furniture) could fit in the trunk of a car. That is, her clothing and special trinkets and mementos. To some people, that may sound pitiful. But if you look at it realistically, she couldn't take it with her. How much stuff does a person really need? And what is the purpose - to leave it for your loved ones? Do they want it?

It is all about making a decision. Sometimes the clutter is there because I just can't make a decision. Facing the messy stack of clutter is depressing. It isn't overwhelming to clean, as much as it is overwhelming to make a decision with what to do with it. Sometimes it helped to literally say out loud "It has to go somewhere, where should it go….file, store, or let it go?"

It gets easier. At first it was slightly painful and difficult to lose my tight grasp on my items. But as the month went on and I was getting used to making tough choices, it did get a bit easier.

I had to go with my momentum - but give myself some slack.  I gave myself certain goals each day. But some days, I felt an emotional block. I just couldn't move forward with that goal. I thought about it and was open to other ideas, and I found that there was another task equally as important, and I could throw myself into. In retrospect, the reason I couldn't move forward with some tasks was that I hadn't been emotionally ready to face them. For instance, the bottom of my closet had personal mementos that I had to make a decision about. I had a mental challenge that I had to be in a particular frame of mind to tackle. I put it off a couple of times before I could face the task. When I was ready, making the choices was easier and cathartic. It helped to be gentle with myself and understanding in the process.

Enjoy my progress. Every little bit of decluttering helps. I have to encourage my progress and remind myself to enjoy the accomplishments, no matter how small. Feeling the rush of excitement when I walk into a room and see a decluttered spot, gives me incentive to do more. I need to recognize the achievement and GO WITH THAT momentum.

It helps to have a lifestyle vision. It helps me face all my possessions and to be discerning by having a vision of what I want my home to be. There are a few minimalist sites I like to visit online, and it is so refreshing to see each of them operate with less 'stuff'. Their homes are easy to clean with less stuff to clutter. They don't spend time and money worrying about what to wear because they have a few pieces that work well together. If they need to move or go on vacation, they just pack their few possessions and go. It seems wonderful to me. When I imagine my home that way, I hold that vision in my mind, and as I pick up each item I ask myself "Does this fit in that vision?" And usually the answer is NO, and I can live with that - so out it goes.

It doesn't help to remove clutter, if there is still more stuff coming in. This is a relatively new way of looking at things for me. This is my new approach to keep from bring in more stuff:

Have a plan. I am a collector by nature. If I see something pretty, interesting, or useful, then I want it. I can talk myself into and justify almost anything.  I've learned that I need to give myself boundaries. My boundaries are my vision and my list. Before I take something into my home and life, I have to see if it is in my plan or on my 'necessary' list. If it isn't, then I have talk myself out of wanting it and bypass it.

Have a buying list. This goes along with my plan. As I go through my day, if there is something I really need, I write it on a list. Or if I see a gap in my home routine or wardrobe, or an item that will make my life easier and fit into my vision, then I write in on a list. Then, I only allow myself to buy what is on my list. As I surf the internet, it is easy to be tempted by hundred of items that pass by me. Let's say a beautiful teal cardigan goes on sale, or a fabulous new mop (one that I am convinced would will make my life easier), then I feel compelled to get it. Right? So what I have to do is to consult my list. Is it on the list? Nope. I have to let it pass.

That's it! So, overall I am really happy with this experience. I thank you for going along with me and for your support and encouragement. I can't believe that a whole month has flown by. My goal was 465 items. I actually eliminated 859! I feel lighter and freer. Ahhhhh. I'm going to keep at it. (Don't worry, I won't be posting my progress every single day.) I have to admit, that it is getting easier to part with junk…I mean possessions. My husband and son are even eliminating some stuff. It took years to accumulate, so I imagine it'll take some time to let it go. We'll see where we are a year from now.

I'll keep working on it!

If you want to read my daily comments about my 30-day decluttering challenge, and see my progress through pictures, you can click on this link.

Well…here we are…half-way through the month of September, and half-way through my DeCluttering Challenge. Thanks for being beside me on my journey. I hope you don't find my posts annoying or pompous. I've decided to do this challenge publicly to hold myself accountable. I figure if you know my goals, then I can't shirk them. It seems to help me.

So far as of yesterday, day 14, I have eliminated 485 items that were cluttering up my space. Some days I've dug up a few more than was expected. I am happy to say that for the WHOLE MONTH my goal was 465 items (as the challenge designates), but, half-way through I am already at 485. That makes me feel good and takes some of the pressure off.

I don't know if you are like me or not, in the way that as soon as there is a goal set, then I feel anxious and stressed. Like the first week of school or college. As soon as the Professor/Teacher hands out a syllabus, I feel internal stress about whether I can achieve the level of perfection required or can complete a given task. The process is all internal. THAT is what I've been trying to avoid in this challenge. I wanted it to be exciting and liberating NOT another added stress in my life.

So far, so good. I've had a few moments of panic. My plan is to continue with the closet and drawers, and move onto the linen closet. I still have the two high traffic horizontal spaces that I want to eliminate clutter (telephone shelf and kitchen table). Before I can clean, I need to figure out a system of where to put the items that have to be easily accessible. If I had it figured out I would have done it already. So those spots are a big challenge to me. Hopefully I can come up with something that works.

This illustration is of my GOAL. I'm a long way off, but am making progress. This was done with Prisma Colored Pencils and a watercolor wash on watercolor paper.

I'm working on it! 

After this loooooooong winter, spring has sprung in Michigan! The trees now have tiny buds, and green is making its way up from the earth and is emerging from the brownish-gray branches. I love the vibrancy of the green. This is a watercolor base over which I worked some chalk pastel and prisma pencil. I tried to capture a splash of green….not too fussy. I love the awakening of color.

I walk outside and feel a bit claustrophobic.  This is my new take on an old Nursery Rhyme. You may remember the Old Woman who lived in a shoe? I feel like her, only I have so much SNOW, I don't know what to do!

Welcome to my first post on my very first blog in the very first month of the very new year.  This blog is my way of  sharing with you what is on my 'drawing board'.  Thanks for looking at things through my perspective.

My corner of the world has recently gotten MUCH smaller and whiter.