My mind and body connection is churning with trying to work out the shock, grief and sadness. I want to scream at the world for not knowing that he was sick enough to pass away, alone, and not have us all know he was to that point. How could we not know? If we knew, we could have helped. How could the world not have know his life was in danger?
I'm reminded of my brother's closest friend, Tom (and later the passing of my own brother). Tom struggled his whole life. He had a rough life, with abuse and neglect, not to mention living with deafness. He lived life the best he could along the margins, and died without loved ones by his side. He had no obituary. I struggle with the sadness of how the world would not know that he was born, and lived, and passed away. He made a difference in my brother's life, and ours, and the rest of the world didn't know.
That echoes the feeling I had, but in a good way, when my son was born. As the doctor cradled him and cut the cord, I could hear hospital sounds, and nurses chattering and laughing down the hall. In a split second, my first thought, egocentric as it was, was "Why are they gabbing? WHY WASN'T THERE REVERENCE? How could they not know - my son was just born?" But I realized life goes on. He is born into the world to be a part of it, and life would flow on.
Those thoughts have stayed with me for 19 yrs., and got pushed to the forefront of my consciousness with the news of Tre'von. Loss like that brings out the whole mothering instinct, and panic at someone you love passing away. Every fiber of your being tries to protect and nurture life, and when that is taken away it is disturbing and unsettling, to say the least.
The thoughts and feelings had to come out, so I created this poem. There may or may not be something like it. But these are the words that flowed to the surface. That sadness prompted this poem. It is a little about Asher, and of Tre'von, and Tom and Danny; all our children, really.
The Whole World Should STOP
The whole world should STOP
to welcome the birth of one
who will change the world.
Amidst the busyness, the noise,
and the endless chatter that fills
the moments in day,
The whole world should STOP
and wait in silence
for him to take his first breath.
'Welcome, little one',
- as we hold and cradle your gentle soul-
to a world that can be less than gentle.
Amidst the busyness and the noise
that fills your life
may you thrive and find the thing you're meant to do.
And near the end, when the sacred time comes,
the world should KNOW when
your body is struggling to hold on.
The world should weep with sadness
that a soul with hopes, dreams and plans,
is passing away.
The whole world should STOP,
and pause, in the stillness,
as he is breathing his last.
The world should kindly whisper a collective 'farewell'
to the soul that realizes
it is time to go back home.
Then, the whole world should STOP
and with reverence, acknowledge
one who has changed the world.
- Ann G Rusky
God bless the precious souls of our little ones (at every stage and every age), and may the world learn to celebrate and respect the life of each and everyone. May we all care for those in need, as we would our own. Children, adults, animals, - whomever is in need - care for the ones around you. Care for the ones that God has placed in your path. The ones that are hungry, scared, confused, hurt or lost.
Maybe I'll start a new campaign. Be aware and care.
Anyhow, go in Peace, Tre'von. I'm sorry I wasn't there for the big moments in your life - like the beginning and the end - but I was glad I was there for the many moments in between. Thanks for touching our lives and making a difference in our world.
* In July we got the results from Tre'von's autopsy. It appears that he died from a Diabetic Coma. No one, especially him, knew he had diabetes. It went totally undiagnosed after multiple and repeated doctor visits. It seems a simple cold and sinus infection kept plaguing him because his blood sugar was unchecked. It is alarming that that can happen in this day and age. When he was feeling lousy and tucked himself in to bed with his antibiotics, his body was actually in Diabetic Shock then drifted away into a coma and passed away alone. Getting the news doesn't help the loss but does help the unanswered questions. It makes me want to SHOUT TO THE WORLD even more how someone so special can be taken from us from an easily diagnosable condition.